This is a little something I tripped over this week in my inbox. I thought you might enjoy a little humor about life (okay, mostly about women and sex … which is why I find them so amusing.)
1. “Ah yes, divorce from the Latin meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
2. “You know ‘that look’ that women get when they want sex? Yeah, me neither.”
3. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
4. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for having a date on Saturday night.”
5. “Having sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
6. “Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.”
Because I’m in the middle of packing my house I’ve decided to run an oldy but goodie Thursday Thirteen that originally ran in April 2008. But I STILL love Erma and her quotes never get old …
Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), I love the woman. She was a magician with the written word. With a couple quick strokes of her pen she could have me crying or laughing. So I decided to find 13 of my favorite quotes (and I had a hard time whittling it down to 13). Some of these things she said, some she wrote in her books. If you’ve never read one of her books … treat yourself. My favorite has to be “The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”.
So here’s what I’ve come up with …
1. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
2. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
3. It is fast approaching the point where I don’t want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. (on the US presidency)
4. Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes, which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur, who gets carsick and who isn’t kidding when he stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what’s going to happen if he doesn’t get in right away. It’s tough. If they all have the same hair color they tend to run together.
5. My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
6. All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.
7. I don’t know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
8. There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
9. People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
10. I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don’t want to talk about it.
11. I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
12. Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. “Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?” Don’t you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?” Wasn’t there any change?”
13. Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, “What light?” and two more to say, “I didn’t turn it on.”
A friend of mine sent these very funny quotes from famous people. I thought it was an awesome list to share with you this last Thursday in July.
1. An exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
2. “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
3. “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
4. “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
5. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
6. “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts … for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang
7. “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
8. “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
9. “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
10. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
11. “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
12. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
13. “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
I’ve been really thinking about my writing lately. Having just taken a month off for personal stuff I’m jumping back in. Not so easy after all that time. I wouldn’t recommend this people … there’s a reason writers should write every day. Getting back in the habit is difficult. Not impossible, just difficult. Annyyywaaay…
This week I thought I’d share thirteen quotes about writing by writers. Sorry, the pictures are a little boring, I hope you can suffer through them. *snicker*
1. “… only he is an emancipated thinker who is not afraid to write foolish things.” Anton Chekhov
(And the brave model is one who shows up in his underwear.)
2. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.” Robert Benchley
(And sometimes famous is mouthwateringly sexy.)
3. “You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country.” Robert Frost
(I’d like to come from HIS part of the country!)
4. “Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go.” E.L. Doctorow
(Okay, this poor baby looks like he’s got nothin’. Let’s start learnin’.)
5. “If there’s a book you really want to read but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” Toni Morrison
(And here’s an invitation to get started on just that book!)
6. “The first draft of anything is sh*t.” Ernest Hemingway
(This first draft looks pretty damn good to me!)
7. “A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.” Thomas Mann
(He doesn’t look like he’s having any difficulties … prolly not a writer.)
8. “Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time…The wait is simply too long.” Leonard S. Bernstein
(Ummm… perhaps he could help with the inspiration?)
9. “The business of the novelist is not to relate great events, but to make small ones interesting.” Arthur Schopenhauer
(Let me count the ways this guy is interesting.)
10. “Planning to write is not writing. Outlining…researching…talking to people about what you’re doing, none of that is writing. Writing is writing.” E.L. Doctorow
(And taking a shower isn’t really writing, but it sure gives me inspiration!)
11. “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.” Mark TwainV.S. Pritchett (The difference between hot and REALLY HAWT is … well I guess you can decide that .)
12. “There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.” Somerset Maugham
(But I’m thinking having some inspiration must be somewhere on that list.)
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE …
13. “I don’t like to write, but I love to have written.” Michael Kanin
(And I don’t like repeating pics of hot guys … except this one!)
I love to write. Really I do. Okay, so not every day, but hey, it’s a job and everyone hates their job a couple times a month.
But then there are the days when everything comes together, the stars align, the characters promise to behave, settings pop off the page and your prose just shines! I love those days. It’s during those times I come up with some gems that make their way to the pages of my books.
So this list is 13 of my favorite lines from my books.
1. But damn, he’d been treading water a hell of a long time while he waited for destiny to change the course of his life.
2. “Are you finished speculating? Because I can tell you the facts if you’re interested or I can just wait here while you try to attempt to put together a puzzle with missing pieces.” He lifted a shoulder. “Either way I’m good.”
3. “A man intent on conquering a woman and adding her to his proverbial notched belt holds no credibility with someone as innocent as Julie.”
4. Damon laughed and held his hands up. “I’ll go willingly. Please, just promise you’ll hurt me.”
5. The hurt tumbled over anger, rolling into an emotional snowball that plunged headlong without regret into Meghan’s feelings.
6. He’d abandoned all pretense and now was as focused on getting laid as he was on collecting information from the bimbo. He figured she swung whichever way the wind was blowing. And the way he was feeling, he hoped she’d think a monsoon had swept in her direction when he found her.
7. Biting back a smile, Ayden watched her glistening tears turn into fury. That he could handle. An angry woman was one hundred times easier to placate than a despondent one.
8. Her long, muscular legs that he’d admired in the great room, started somewhere around her neck.
9. Peter wasn’t sure if the guilt weighed on his facial features like it did on his heart.
10. Heat flushed her cheeks. “Peter, making love in the kitchen is one thing. But playing tortured slave girl to your master fetish, well … I’m just not sure that’s something well-adjusted adults do.”
Blue Moon Rising
11. Jayda Kynslan sauntered into the Whip and Bull Tavern wanting only two things: a cold beer and a hot cock.
12. Men, she’d come to believe, were nothing but scumbags of trouble on the garbage heap of misery.
Shadows of Fire
13. Firemen fought fires as a team. They hung by their balls as a team. Go team!