Humor

Sometimes my mind just doesn’t engage. And this is one of those weeks when I’m just not feeling it. So here’s a list of thirteen things I considered for my Thursday Thirteen, but just fell flat.

1. I really wanted to give you 13 reasons I hate the elections in the US. Okay, I totally came up with like 9 … mostly because I’m jealous of Canada who began their election season last month and finished it two days ago. They sooooo know how to do elections right!

2. Oh, the man and I have had one of those weeks … you know the ones. He talks. I talk. No one listens. Yeah, that sucks. I thought about writing a list of rules from the woman’s play book, but he doesn’t read it anyway … why bother?

3. Since it’s October I thought it would be fun to do a list of sexy ways to use a pumpkin. Sorry, besides this one … it just ain’t happening folks.

4. Since my latest WIP involves some bondage, I thought I’d entertain you with thirteen interesting ways to tie up your partner. But I couldn’t find enough interesting pictures. I’m thinking I need to get rid of the filter on my Google searches. 

5. Well, speaking of WIP, I could have gone the whole cowboy route, because there’s cowboys in it also. But since I do that so often I was sure you wouldn’t want to see more of this …

6. Then I researched some cute Halloween costumes. But they all expected me to be this cute little size 3 … um, yeah … I was a size 3 once … in my dreams!

7. Then I wanted to list all the reasons I find the fall so depressing. But too many of you love this season. It just seemed so wrong. And when it looks this beautiful in Maine, how can I disagree?

8. We had a little kitten show up at our door last week and I forgot how much babies need attention. I’m loving having him here, but he’s all over my keyboard and begging for me to play with him and taking time from my writing. So I thought I’d show you 13 pictures of our new baby … but then I’d actually have to take them and that is soooo not happening! (This is not a picture of our new “Oliver”, but it’s really close … and if he looks like someone you lost … forget about asking for him back… he’s found a new home!)

9. Of course giving you a list of television programs I watch no matter what would be an easy one. IF I actually had 13 programs I watched. But with limited cable in northern Maine, besides “Survivor” and “Amazing Race” there’s not much more I watch during the week.

10. Then there’s the whole cliche of 13 of my favorite types of heros. But you’re so tired of me showing pictures of men in kilts … I just couldn’t do that to you again.

11. Lots of people tell you the songs on their IPod. This would require two things. 1) That I actually listen to music while I write and 2) that I own an IPod. I don’t do either. I’m such a geek!

12. Like all mothers, my children have been driving me insane. I love them, but sometimes I’d just like to give them a list of all the reasons they’re slowly sending me to the looney bin. I just don’t think they’d appreciate it!

13. And last but not least … I saved you from the 13 ugliest dogs I happened to catch on the Sunday morning news program. You just didn’t want to be subjected to that!

The teacher in me doesn’t seem to be getting enough attention. So this week’s thirteen are some useless facts I just HAD to share with you!

1. On May 9, 1999 approximately 600,000 gallons of whiskey flowed into the Kentucky River during a fire at Wild Turkey Distillery in Lawrenceburg. (And a group of underaged swimmers were picked up downstream two hours later operating a boat under the influence.)

2. An elephant in the wild can eat anywhere from 100 – 1000 pounds of vegetation in a 16 hour period. (Ewww… just think of the gas production all that fiber will cause.)

3. A U.S. company came out with a toilet night-light that sends out a green warning beacon when the seat is up. (Does it also grab the man by the scruff of the neck and drag him back to put it down?)

4. Author Robert May considered the names of Reginald and Rollo before he settled on “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.” (I bet you can’t sing the song with one of those names in there.)

5. Males account for 60% of toy injuries that occur in the U.S. (This fact doesn’t surprise you does it?)

6. Approximately 75% of human poop is made of water. (This was just a good opportunity for me to sneak in the eye candy.)

7. Ramses II, a pharaoh of Egypt died in 1225 B.C. At the time of his death, he had fathered 96 sons and 60 daughters. (Did the man sleep?)

8. There are approximately 100,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body. (And I bet those corpuscles get lost before they’ll stop and ask for directions!)

9. Braces were first invented by Pierre Fauchard in 1728. The braces were made by a flat strip of metal, which was connected to the teeth by thread. (Seems strange that in the 18th century they were worried about pretty smiles … but daily bathing didn’t come around until a century later.)

10. The Bible has been translated into Klingon. (Huh, I’ve never found that version at a hotel.)

11. The names of Popeye’s nephews are Peepeye, Poopeye, Pipeye, Pupeye. (Was there an aunt involved in the naming of these children?)

12. Coupons were introduced in 1894 when Asa Candler bought the Coca-Cola formula for $2,300 and gave people coupons that he had written out to receive a free glass of coke. (Then it’s his fault I get all that junk mail!)

13. American novelist Mark Twain was the first known author to submit a typed manuscript. (And I bet he never had to deal with a rejection letter.)

Sorry I’ve been out of the blogging loop this week. I’ve actually been editing and writing… yay me! Thanks to Denise for filling in this week. But I clawed my way out of my dark cave of manuscripts long enough to post my Thursday Thirteen. Even came up for air a little early, but I figure you’ll forgive me.

Sometimes I just need a pick-me-up and often the antics of my 17 year old son, Little Boy Blue, and the trouble he gets himself into just make me laugh. So (hopefully) for your entertainment, I’ve enlisted his help in letting you know the thirteen things he finds amusing…

1. Rude Public Nudity – of others, especially friends. As in mooning another guy from the passenger seat of your buddy’s car or hoe-downs (the pulling down of someone else’s pants, preferably in the school hall and in front of some cute girls).

2. Mascots fighting – the more furry and loveable the better. Imagine Mickey Mouse wrestling Winnie-the-Pooh.

3. Trying to explain new math to his parents who were both science majors and actually did well in college Calculus.

4. Controlled burns – Like GermX (gel hand sanitizer) squirted at a burning match then the entire bottle catching on fire. Probably funny only because no one got hurt and several other male 17 year olds had more GermX to add to the conflagration. (The resulting mass of plastic sits proudly displayed on son’s shelf.) Note to self: Don’t send hand sanitizer on school trips.

5. YouTube videos in other languages. Whether it be songs or parodies of presidential candidates… viewing them causes riotous laughter. The more bizarre the language, the greater the hilarity. German makes him roll on the floor. The fact is… YouTube in general (except for his mother’s booktrailers) is a great source of entertainment.

6. Using a make-shift slingshot to stick pencils into ceiling tiles at school.

7. Bunsen burners + just about anything = hours of hilarity. (See number 4)

8. Chuck Norris jokes – For instance: Some people wear Superman pajamas… Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. OR Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there. OR When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. There are more, but Little Boy Blue was laughing too hard to be understood. 

9. Any Blend-tech “Will it blend?” Video. Please view video.

10. Names randomly yelled out in crowds then ignoring anyone who turns around.

11. Pretending you’re the voice message when an annoying girl calls your cellphone.

12. Southpark the cartoon – Mostly because parents find it so dang annoying.

13. Videos of males on bicycles, skateboards, and rollerblades who fall and crush the family jewels. (Okay, so those weren’t his exact words.)

Regardless of age, kids are just generally amusing. Please feel free to add favorite gems from neices, nephews, friend’s children or straight from the mouths of your own precious bundles. 

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